Capt. Conan O’Kirk!
Kirk is always looking for ways to get in good with Jesus…and now he thinks he’s found it—a makeover: Conan Style!
Kirk locked himself in the bathroom for hours, which is nothing new (the man has serious digestive issues!). But then he came out sporting his new Conan-do. Freaked me the hell out! Jesus was speechless. Not sure if that is a good thing or bad thing. Stay tuned…
Fuck Yeah!
Animal House on St Patrick’s Day.
Kirk invented a new drink called the MickRita. Tequila, beer, lime juice and more beer. Yup, it’s as good as it sounds. Then add to that, the essence of Kirk’s pants and the wood from the Irish Flag and you’ve got yourself a recipe for a St. Patty’s Day you’ll never forget. But right now—before Kirk gets all MickDrunk and starts singing Chumbawamba’s “I get Knocked Down” over and over and over again…and then MickBarfs over everything—we are as happy as we’ve ever been. Erin Go Bragh!
Our Oscars Disaster.
The night went quickly from bad to worse…to blows. First, not even two minutes into the thing, Doogie Howser starts singing about prison rape. Nice.
Then our satellite craps out. One minute we’re laughing at Steve and Alec, the next minute…blue screen of death. Really? Direct TV? On Oscar Night? You guys suck! We reset the thing like ten times but nothing. In fact, we still don’t have service.
We were all pissed but Kirk took it really hard…he’s a huge Christopher Plummer fan and he felt for sure that, “this is Plummer’s year!”
Around one in the morning Jesus and I heard something and that’s when we found Kirk.
Sometimes the only way to help someone is to kick them and make sure they are not dead. And that’s exactly what I did.
Hold it…is Kirk dead?
The Matrix. I’m The Agent. Jesus is Trinity. Kirk is Neo.
You might notice that Jesus isn’t using a gun. He hates them; and even if he didn’t, it’s not like we have one just laying around the house. That’s a fish. Jesus is blowing me away with a fish. He’s not too comfortable working with props.
Star Trek
Guess who wanted to watch this? Man, what an ego. Kirk told us this was one of his favorite episodes. It’s called “Turnabout Intruder” and it’s about some jealous chick scientist switching bodies with Kirk and trying to take over the Enterprise. Kirk really ruined the episode for us because he kept quoting his lines like 2 seconds before TV-Kirk did. Jesus called him a douche and he pretty much is.
This picture is taken right at the moment when Kirk is trying to enter back into his own body. Jesus said it looked like Kirk was doing a cameo on “Oz”. Everybody laughed. Jesus is really funny when he wants to be.
Rambo IV.
Rambo! This is one of my favorite movie franchises ever. I know, I know, you’re thinking: Vinnie you’re such a sensitive artist, how could you like a shoot’em up blood-fest like Rambo? Well, I am nothing if not complicated. Okay, so maybe he’s little bit juiced up in this one but I’m guessing he’s near sixty, right? Give Stallone a break.
Kirk kept ribbing Jesus that he had Rambo hair. It’s true, get rid of the flowing robes, strap on a few bandoleers of bullets and a headband and you’ve got the same guy, right? Jesus didn’t think it was too funny. He can be touchy like that.
Then Kirk kept pointing out all the moments where he could see Stallone’s stunt double. Stuff like that can really take you out of a movie. I’m telling you, Kirk can be such a dick sometimes. Finally, Jesus shut him up when he reminded him that there was no way he did his own stunts on T J Hooker. Jesus knew a lot about TV; it’d surprise you.
If you notice, Jesus is always standing up. At first, that really weirded me out. I mean, how many people do you know who watch TV standing up? Not many I bet. But when I asked him about it, he said, “I’m not made for sitting down.” And it’s true. Think about it, every picture you’ve ever seen of the dude (and there’s a lot of them—every week it seems the guy is suddenly appearing on a chulupa or something) there is not one, not ONE, where he’s sitting down. It’s weird, right? I mean, what’s wrong with a nice pastoral painting of Jesus sitting on some park bench feeding the pigeons? Poor guy has to die for all of our sins AND has to watch TV standing up! Doesn’t seem fair. Now I feel bad about all the Rambo hair cracks.
West Side Story.
Man oh man, do we love this musical. Every time we are in New York we just HAVE to see it. I know what you’re thinking, who knew Jesus could dance? We did! Kirk pretends he’s not really into it (the man has no rhythm!) but once the music takes him, he’s a goner. The problem is he always wants to sing all the Natalie Wood parts. Fag! And singing Kirk-style really ruins the romantic elements of almost any song.
I was really pleased how we danced tonight though. I only stepped on Jesus’ foot a couple of times but I guess that really hurts when all you wear is sandals. He might have worn a crown of thorns back in the day but step on his big toe now and the dude starts tearing up. I suppose living in the City of Industry has made him soft.
We’ve applied to “So You Think You Can Dance?” like five times but they keep telling me I’ve been “red-flagged”. Whatever assfaces! You cut your ear off like more than a century ago and it still follows you! I know Jesus was really broken up that we didn’t get in. I keep telling him we should do “Dances with the Stars” but he doesn’t want to cash in on his celebrity status…yet. The irony of it all is that Kirk has been asked three times to do “Stars”. THREE! But he knows better than to dance anywhere near a camera. Kirk would make Tom DeLay look like Nureyev.
